Broken: Hung out to dry
“There is no perfection, only beautiful versions of brokenness.”
― Shannon L. Alder
Today I completely broke down. I resonate with the image above, feeling like I have been hung out to dry. In the midst of trying to get things done for my business life, the personal also throws its curve balls. With every thing I have going on trying to launch the magazine this month, my personal life is proving to be a battle and, at times, feels like it is conspiring against me.
I am a faith-filled woman firmly rooted in my belief that no matter what life throws at me, I will make it. Yes, there are days that make it difficult to stay grounded because everything seems to be going wrong; bills piling up in every corner that demand immediate attention, currently being as poor as a church mouse and feeling like everything is spiralling out of control. This is the reality of the business - it does intertwine with your personal life and that can be brutal. I always find it difficult to put into words all I am going through. To communicate the struggle of it all is a herculean task because I feel like it's always important to start from the beginning (I will as I develop this blog gradually).
With the incredible challenges I have faced this year, I have had to really question today if I am doing the right thing. Am I on the right path with my business and purpose? If I am, why am I not yet seeing the yields of my labour? Am I doing something wrong? Why do I feel like I am giving this my all for over 5+ years and still have nothing to show for it? It feels like I take ten steps forward to be thrown a hundred steps back. It's difficult not to notice other people progressing when they've only just started their businesses. It makes me feel I'm lagging behind (and I know this to be wrong because I get emails from people that have read my magazine and have been blessed by it) so why do I feel like I am chasing an invisible tail? Also I try not to compare my progress with others but sometimes it is hard not to because I need to know what the competition is doing. It's critical, however, not to get so stuck on the progress of others that you stop appreciating your own and constructively arrange for improvement. I appreciate the success of others but sometimes I can’t help but wonder what is happening to me. I am human and not ashamed to question it all sometimes.
I feel so tired and so broken. I have cried and prayed, cried and prayed. I still feel empty and pained. On days like these, when I struggle with the personal, it makes me question the business because I'm reaching breaking point and something has got to give.
This is not meant to discourage you but is all said in a bid to be transparent and share my journey with you all. It is not easy. It never is. There are more tough days than there are easy days. In the beginning, there are days of deprivation, seemingly endless hard days before that big break happens. It is ok to cry. It is ok to be emotional and vulnerable. It is ok to feel tired but for a moment. It is ok to acknowledge the struggle, take it in and let it out so it doesn’t consume you. It is ok. It took me a long time to realise that it is healthy to do all the above as long as you get yourself up and keep moving. The only thing that is NOT ok is when you let the challenges and struggles defeat you as you take a moment to breathe. I have made that mistake so many times and paid dearly for it. When you take that moment to cry and you wipe your tears, go back to the reason WHY you started. The reasons why I started the magazine, the business and going into publishing validates my pain, validates my struggles and challenges and fuels me with the passion to keep going. So even though it has been a ridiculously painful and emotionally-draining day, even though I have cried and begged God to let His perfect will for my life be done, though I've asked that my hard work not be in vain, I got back up after writing this and kept grinding. We are all allowed the tough days and we are allowed to be human beings; we are not robots. I am vulnerable and I tap into my emotional side as often as I can to release the stress. After that I am good to go.
I encourage you today, as I encouraged myself, not to give up. Do what you can do within your power for the day and leave the rest to God. Worry and stress doesn’t help. It rather creates anxiety and depression and is depleting to your mental health (believe me I have been there, story for another blog). Be encouraged. Stay strong and continue to believe and work towards your vision.
Thanks for stopping by and taking the time out of your busy schedule to read from me as i express and share an intimate part of my journey. I appreciate your time.
Image by Mareunrol’s featured in VMM Volume 1 Genesis